Alright, let’s be real Nuts. You’re not all good.

Macadamia nuts are kinda aloof. You’ll see them in those cookies with the white chocolate, and they’ll be in island-type food, but you don’t really notice them. Also, as a tasting note, they are somehow oily, and watery at the same time.

Chestnuts will always be that nut that homeless people roast in flaming barrels, and then try to sell on the street. Oh, and they are pivotal in that “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” song.

I know you’re all very nice and Southern, and some call you Pe-cans and some call you Pe-Cahns, and that’s all fine. But, I want to play it real with you and say that you are only good in Pecan Pie. Just saying.

Let me just start by saying that Hazelnuts are way too dry and entirely too hard to be eaten in a natural state; however, Hazelnut chocolate, candy, cake, and ice cream are all great representations of this nut’s elegance. Whoa…that was really deep.

Okay, I’m on the fence about you guys. On one side you are fun to eat and you’re nice n’ crunchy. On the other side you’re more shell than nut, I mean what am I supposed to do with all these shells, make a bracelet or something…you know you’re very similar to crab, really got to work to get those morsels out.

Walnuts, you are the mother of the dry nut family. I will give it to you for having that nice toasty quality; however, all around your shriveled state is pretty unappealing.

I’m sorry to tell you Pine Nuts, you are purely decorative. Hummus platters, sure. Salads, certainly; however, you lack range. Also, you look like little baby teeth.

Good ol’ peanuts. You’re the best, man. Peanuts are the blue collar nut for sure, work the fields and come in for meatloaf and mashed potatoes-kind-of-nut.

Almonds are so uptight and stuffy. You think you’re so classy with your cherry notes and marzipan dreams. Well, lets be frank with each other–your skin is way too fucking dry.

First of all you are way too big, it’s like eating a giant apple-nut. Also, I’m sure you’re not even from Brazil. Down with imposterous nuts.

The King of Nuts: Cashews. You are buttery and salty and never fail to fill the void between meals, and most importantly you don’t have that obnoxious dry skin on the outside.


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